husband was a virgin.
mom asked how she knew
last nite when we made love, his
cock was still in plastic cover.
Showing posts with label Jokes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Jokes. Show all posts
Thursday, September 3, 2009
husband was a virgin
husband was a virgin.
mom asked how she knew
last nite when we made love, his
cock was still in plastic cover.
Condom
use two condom with chilly powder
in between them, if outer breaks
she will know & if inner one
breaks he will know!!
Die For The Girl!!!
boy. No
Girl. do you want to live with me ?
boy. No
Girl. will you cry if i leave you ?
boy. No
The girl got hurt and started to cry,,,,
THE boy smiled and pulled her close to him...
and said, you are not pretty but beautiful,,, ,
i dont want to live with you , but i live for you,,,,
if you leave me ,,,,,i wont cry but die,,,,,,,,, ,,,,:ciao:
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Monday, August 31, 2009
What is Business....
What is Buisiness?
Dad:I want you to marry a Girl of my choice.
Son:No!
Dad:The girl is Bill Gate's Daughter.
Son:then Ok!
Dad Goes to Bill Gate...
Dad:I want your daughter to marry my Son.
Bill Gates:No!
Dad:My Son is the CEO of the World bank.
Bill Gates:Then Ok!
Dad goes to the President of the World Bank...
Dad:Apoint my Son as the CEO of your bank.
President:No!
Dad:He is the Son-in-Law of Bill Gates.
President:Then Ok!
This is BUISINESS:)
Blonde In A Boat!
The blonde angrily pulled her car over and yelled at the rowing blonde, "What do you think you're doing? It's things like this that give us blondes a bad name. If I could swim, I'd come out there and kick your butt!"
Penguins Going to the ZooOO
A man drives to a gas station and has his tank filled up. The gas pumper spots two penguins sitting in the back seat of the car.
He asks the driver, "What's up with the penguins in the back seat?"
The man in the car says "I found them. I asked myself what to do with them, but I haven't had a clue."
The clerk ponders a bit then says, "You should take them to the zoo."
"Hey, that's a good idea," says the man in the car and drives away.
The next day the man with the car is back at the same gas station. The clerk sees the penguins are still in the back seat of the car.
"Hey, they're still here! I thought you were going to take them to the zoo."
"Oh, I did," says the driver, "And we had a swell time. Today I am taking them to the beach."
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Pray For Gifts
Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents the week before Christmas. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs.
"I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE...
I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO...
I PRAY FOR A NEW VCR..."
I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO...
I PRAY FOR A NEW VCR..."
His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf." To which the little brother replied, "No, but Grandma is!"
A Blonde Finally Wins
Eleventh Commandment
Done By Smell
A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the register.
There is a Wal- Mart "associate" standing there with dark shades on. She says, "Excuse me sir...can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?" He says, "Ma'am I'm blind but if you will drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes."
She didn't believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway. He said, "That's a 6' graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line...It's a good all around rod and reel and it's $20.00".
She says, "That's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for so I'll take it."
He walks behind the counter to the register, and in the meantime the woman breaks wind big-time. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her...being blind he wouldn't know that she was the only person around. He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50."
She says, "But didn't you say it was $20.00?"
He says, "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50."
Browsing
A blind man walks into a store with his seeing eye dog. All of a sudden, he picks up the leash and begins swinging the dog over his head. The manager runs up to the man and asks, "What are you doing?!!" The blind man replies, "Just looking around."
Two blondes
A: A translator.
Q: If a blonde and a brunette jump off a bridge, who would hit the water first?
A: The brunette, because the blonde would have to stop to ask for directions.
Q: How do you make a blonde’s eyes twinkle?
A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.
Q: How do you get a blond out of a tree?
A: Wave
A: In case she locks the keys in her car.
Q: Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
A: So she wouldn’t wake up the sleeping pills.
Q: Why did the blonde drive into the ditch?
A: To turn the blinker off.
Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months?
A: Because on the box it said From 2-4 years.
Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A: Ask her to alphabetize a bag of M&Ms.
Q: Why does it work?
A: “Does 3 come before E or does it go between M and W?”
Q: What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?
A: “Oh look! Donut seeds!”
Q: What goes VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH?
A: A blonde going through a flashing red light.
Q: A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.
A: “Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces.”
Q: What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home?
A: She moved.
I Want to Buy That
A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner.
The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn’t serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.
The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn’t serve blondes.
Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red.
Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time.
To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn’t serve blondes.
The blonde asks the clerk, “How in the world do you know I am a blonde?”
The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,”That’s not a TV—it’s a microwave!”
Blonde paint job
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. “Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?” The blonde said, “How about 50 dollars?” The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man’s wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, “Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?” The man replied, “She should. She was standing on the porch.” A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. “You’re finished already?” he asked. “Yes,” the blonde answered, “and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. “Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. “And by the way,” the blonde added, “that’s not a Porch, it’s a Ferrari.”
Jail Break
Three women escape from jail. There’s a blond, brunette, and redhead. The cops are hot on their trail, so they run into an old abandoned farm and hide in some burlap sacks. The police officer comes in the barn, and just to make sure no one is in the bags, he kicks each one of them. He kicks the first one, which the brunette is in. The brunette, not to get caught says “Meow!” and the policeman thinks ‘O.K., that’s just a stupid cat.’ and walks to the second sack. This one has the redhead in it. The redhead says “Woof! Woof!” and the policeman thinks ‘Oh, that’s just a stupid dog.’, and walks to the third sack. This one of course, has the blonde in it. The blonde, following her two other examples, screams as loud as possible, “POTATOES!”
Adopted By the Boston Red Sox
A child custody case was held in court. The judge felt that the mother and father were both fit to be parents and therefore couldn't decide who he should grant full custody to. So he asks the little boy, "Would you like to live with your mother?"
"No." said the boy.
"Why not?" said the judge.
"Because she beats me."
The judge says "Okay, then you'll go live with your father."
"Oh No," cried the boy, "He beats me too."
Dumbfounded, the judge asks "Okay who do you want to live with?"
"I want to live with the Boston Red Sox."
"Why?" asks the judge.
"They don't beat anybody."
Top Ten Habits of Highly Effective Flamethrowers
Rule 10: Never forget that the person reading your mail is a person, with feelings that can be hurt. If you see the opportunity, hurt them.
Rule 9: Behave online as you do in real life. This way, you can act like a total jerk under all circumstances.
Rule 8: Lurk until you get a feel for what's acceptable in a particular forum or newsgroup. Then leap in and do the opposite.
Rule 7: Be aware of others' time and bandwidth. Never post anything shorter than seven paragraphs. Ensure your sig is at least a screen long.
Rule 6: Make yourself look good online always post your abuse in complete, grammatically correct sentences.
Rule 5: Share expert knowledge. If you know how to push someone's buttons in a forum, send private email to everyone else telling them.
Rule 4: Help keep flame wars under control: lead the charge.
Rule 3: Respect other people's privacy...if you have some dirt about a member of a newsgroup, spread it only via private email.
Rule 2: Don't abuse your power. Flame only those who disagree with you.
Rule 1: Remember: You were a network newbie once, too. You deserved all the flaming you got then. The current batch deserves no less.
A Blonde's Dream
One day a blonde kept having the same weird dream everyday, so she went to her doctor.
Doctor: What was your dream about?Blonde: I was being chase by a vampire!
Doctor: (giggles quitely) So... what is the scenery like?
Blonde: I was running in a hall way.
Blonde: I was running in a hall way.
Doctor: Then what happened?
Blonde: Well that's the weird thing. In every single dream, the same thing happened. I always come to this door, but I can't open it. I keep pushing the door and pushing the door, but it wouldn't budge!
Blonde: Well that's the weird thing. In every single dream, the same thing happened. I always come to this door, but I can't open it. I keep pushing the door and pushing the door, but it wouldn't budge!
Doctor: Does the door have any letters on it?
Blonde: Yes it did.
Blonde: Yes it did.
Doctor: And what did these letter spell?
Blonde: It said "Pull"
Blonde: It said "Pull"
Bloned Jokes
Q: What do you call a brunette between two blondes?
A: A translator.
Q: If a blonde and a brunette jump off a bridge, who would hit the water first?
A: The brunette, because the blonde would have to stop to ask for directions.
Q: How do you make a blonde’s eyes twinkle?
A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.
Q: How do you get a blond out of a tree?
A: Wave
Q: Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat?
A: In case she locks the keys in her car.
Q: Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
A: So she wouldn’t wake up the sleeping pills.
Q: Why did the blonde drive into the ditch?
A: To turn the blinker off.
Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months?
A: Because on the box it said From 2-4 years.
Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A: Ask her to alphabetize a bag of M&Ms.
Q: Why does it work?
A: “Does 3 come before E or does it go between M and W?”
Q: What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?
A: “Oh look! Donut seeds!”
Q: What goes VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH?
A: A blonde going through a flashing red light.
Q: A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.
A: “Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces.”
Q: What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home?
A: She moved.
I Want to Buy That
A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner.
The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn’t serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.
The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn’t serve blondes.
Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red.
Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time.
To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn’t serve blondes.
The blonde asks the clerk, “How in the world do you know I am a blonde?”
The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,”That’s not a TV—it’s a microwave!”
Blonde paint job
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. “Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?” The blonde said, “How about 50 dollars?” The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man’s wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, “Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?” The man replied, “She should. She was standing on the porch.” A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. “You’re finished already?” he asked. “Yes,” the blonde answered, “and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. “Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. “And by the way,” the blonde added, “that’s not a Porch, it’s a Ferrari.”
Jail Break
Three women escape from jail. There’s a blond, brunette, and redhead. The cops are hot on their trail, so they run into an old abandoned farm and hide in some burlap sacks. The police officer comes in the barn, and just to make sure no one is in the bags, he kicks each one of them. He kicks the first one, which the brunette is in. The brunette, not to get caught says “Meow!” and the policeman thinks ‘O.K., that’s just a stupid cat.’ and walks to the second sack. This one has the redhead in it. The redhead says “Woof! Woof!” and the policeman thinks ‘Oh, that’s just a stupid dog.’, and walks to the third sack. This one of course, has the blonde in it. The blonde, following her two other examples, screams as loud as possible, “POTATOES!”
Blonde Jokes
Q: How can you tell which computer a blonde was using?
A: There is white-out on the screen.
Desert Island
A blonde, a brunette, and a red head are stuck on a deserted island. One day the red head found a magic lamp. She rubbed it and a genie came out. He said, “For letting me out, I will grant each of you one wish.” So the brunette says, ” I wish I were with my boyfriend.” So she disappers and is taken to her boyfriend’s house. The red head says, “I wish I were with my family.” Then she disappers into her family’s house. Then the blonde says, “Aw, I’m lonely, I wish my friends were here.”
Painting Contractor
A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job. In the first room, she said she would like a pale blue. The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out “green side up!” In the second room, she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow. He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled “green side up!” The lady was somewhat curious, but she said nothing. In the third room, she said she would like it painted a warm rose color. The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled “green side up!” The lady then asked him, “Why do you keep yelling ‘green side up’?” “I’m sorry,” came the reply. “But I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street.
House Fire
A dumb blonde calls the fire department and says, “Help me- my house is on fire!!” The fireman says, “Where do you live?”
The dumb blonde replies, “I don’t know”
The fireman asks, “How do you expect us to get there?”
The dumb blonde replies sarcastically, “Duhhhh, the little red truck”
Jamaica
A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section of the plane. The stewardess rushes over to her and tells her she must move to coach because she doesn’t have a first class ticket. The blonde replies, I’m blonde, I’m smart, I have a good job, and I’m staying in first class until we reach Jamaica.
The disgusted stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the blonde to leave. The blonde yet again repeats I’m blonde, I’m smart, I have a good job and I’m staying in first class until we reach Jamaica. The head stewardesses doesn’t even know what to do at this point because they still have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off; the blode is causing a problem with boarding now, so the stewardess gets the copilot.
The copilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section. The head stewardess asks the copilot in amazement what he said to get her to move to her correct seat. The copilot replies, I told her the front half of the airplane wasn’t going to Jamaica.
Programmer's Joke
Shoot Yourself in the Foot in Any Programming Language
The proliferation of modern programming languages (all of which seem to have stolen countless features from one another) sometimes makes it difficult to remember what language you’re currently using. This guide is offered as a public service to help programmers who find themselves in such dilemmas.
C
You shoot yourself in the foot.
C++
You accidentally create a dozen clones of yourself and shoot them all in the foot. Providing emergency medical assistance is impossible since you can’t tell which are bitwise copies and which are just pointing at others and saying, “That’s me, over there.”
JAVA
After importing java.awt.right.foot.* and java.awt.gun.right.hand.*, and writing the classes and methods of those classes needed, you’ve forgotten what in the world you’re doing.
Ruby
Your foot is ready to be shot in roughly five minutes, but you just can’t find anywhere to shoot it.
PHP
You shoot yourself in the foot with a gun made with pieces from 300 other guns.
ASP.NET
Find a gun, it falls apart. Put it back together, it falls apart again. You try using the .GUN Framework, it falls apart. You stab yourself in the foot instead.
SQL
SELECT @ammo:=bullet FROM gun WHERE trigger = ‘PULLED’; INSERT INTO leg (foot) VALUES (@ammo);
Perl
You start shooting yourself in the foot, but you lose the gun. You finally shoot yourself in the foot, but can’t figure out how you did it so you find a dozen new ways to do it.
Javascript
You’ve perfected a robust, rich user experience for shooting yourself in the foot. You then find that bullets are disabled on your gun.
CSS
You shoot your right foot with one hand, then switch hands to shoot your left foot but you realize that the gun has turned into a banana.
FORTRAN
You shoot yourself in each toe, iteratively, until you run out of toes, then you read in the next foot and repeat. If you run out of bullets, you continue anyway because you have no exception-handling ability.
Modula2
After realizing that you can’t actually accomplish anything in this language, you shoot yourself in the head.
COBOL
Using a COLT 45 HANDGUN, AIM gun at LEG.FOOT, THEN place ARM.HAND.FINGER. on HANDGUN.TRIGGER and SQUEEZE. THEN return HANDGUN to HOLSTER. CHECK whether shoelace needs to be retied.
LISP
You shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds ..
BASIC
Shoot yourself in the foot with a water pistol. On big systems, continue until entire lower body is waterlogged.
FORTH
Foot in yourself shoot.
APL
You shoot yourself in the foot, then spend all day figuring out how to do it in fewer characters.
Pascal
The compiler won’t let you shoot yourself in the foot.
SNOBOL
If you succeed, shoot yourself in the left foot. If you fail, shoot yourself in the right foot.
Concurrent Euclid
You shoot yourself in somebody else’s foot.
HyperTalk
Put the first bullet of the gun into the foot of the left leg of you. Answer the result.
Motif
You spend days writing a UIL description of your foot, the trajectory, the bullet, and the intricate scrollwork on the ivory handles of the gun. When you finally get around to pulling the trigger, the gun jams.
Unix
% ls foot.c foot.h foot.o toe.c toe.o % rm * .o rm: .o: No such file or directory % ls %
Paradox
Not only can you shoot yourself in the foot, your users can too.
Revelation
You’ll be able to shoot yourself in the foot just as soon as you figure out what all these bullets are for.
Visual Basic
You’ll shoot yourself in the foot, but you’ll have so much fun doing it that you won’t care.
Prolog
You tell your program you want to be shot in the foot. The program figures out how to do it, but the syntax doesn’t allow it to explain.
Ada
After correctly packaging your foot, you attempt to concurrently load the gun, pull the trigger, scream and shoot yourself in the foot. When you try, however, you discover that your foot is of the wrong type.
Assembly
You try to shoot yourself in the foot only to discover you must first reinvent the gun, the bullet, and your foot. After that’s done, you pull the trigger, the gun beeps several times, then crashes.
370 JCL
You send your foot down to MIS with a 4000-page document explaining how you want it to be shot. Three years later, your foot comes back deep-fried.
Python
You shoot yourself in the foot and everything goes so smoothly that you go ahead to to shoot yourself in the other foot then your legs, then your torso and then your head. Problem solved.
Basic (interpreted)
You shoot yourself in the foot with a water pistol until your foot is waterlogged and rots off.
Basic (compiled)
You shoot yourself in the foot with a BB using a SCUD missile launcher.
Occam
You shoot yourself in both feet at the same time with the same pull of the trigger. You have no idea how it happened, but it did.
Pick Basic
You create a Body file, with a Foot attribute that has five Toe subvalues. You neatly and easily shoot yourself in the foot. You later discover that you only removed the big toe and the other toes have moved over to take its place.
Java
The gun fires just fine, but your foot can’t figure out what the bullets are and ignores them.
csh
After searching the manual until your foot falls asleep, you shoot the computer and switch to C.
HTML
Shoot here
Microsoft
Object “Foot” will be included in the next release. You can upgrade for $500.
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